This will be my first post in a little under a year, one that was academically and spiritually both very challenging and full of revelation. I wish I could sit right here and spin out every detail. Until tonight I wasn't sure I'd be returning to my blog, but a special thing happened to me that I think I need to type out for my own sake, and maybe it'll be encouraging to somebody else too.
The past year has been a hard one for me and Jesus, not that my faith has been compromised but that I'd been in a war between my heart and mind for a while. The enemy drew up a few convincing lies that I knew in my mind were lies, but I couldn't find it in my heart to believe the truth. If I tried to tell you every reason why, the story would get too long. But the problem was that I felt excluded from all the good stuff, the miracles and impossible things I have no trouble believing God can do. I'd come into college praying hard and had kept praying for the people I'd met, for the kingdom coming like wildfire, for healings and gifts of the Holy Spirit and my friends being saved, but none of that was happening, at least not with me.
The leaders of my college ministry like to use a metaphor about basketball: if you're getting close to the net, that's when the opposing team tries hardest to block you. That's what spiritual warfare is like. But I felt like I'm not even close to the net, like I've been on the bench because I'm just terrible at basketball. I usually can't tell if I'm doing anything wrong, or if I need to just keep being patient. It's not that I didn't believe God could use me, but that I wasn't sure He wanted to anymore, like I couldn't be counted on to get the job done or notice if I had the chance to tell somebody His story. The more I loved people who weren't getting any closer to this God who loves them, the harder it was to keep asking big. The outreach I started seemed pretty fruitless so far, and it was difficult to keep believing the promise in Ephesians 3:20-21, that He will do more than we can imagine.
I am obsessed with the impossible, and I think God is too. I want to dance loudly and sing gracefully, climb up raindrops, write what's inexpressible, and turn music into architecture. I want miracles and salvation, and things only God can do, but lately I've felt He wanted to give those things to everybody but me. When a pastor visited my church and talked about his experiences with His Fatherly love and how He would bring him to tears and shouting and dancing just by His presence, I wanted that so badly I cried too just listening to him. My belief in His love hadn't changed, but what was wrong with me that I couldn't feel it lately?
Tonight was the fourth of July, and after dinner my family found a spot by the river and watched the fireworks show come up over the bridge. Fireworks remind me of other fourths of July, and of my Granny who loves them, of a painting I made of Joy in high school, and of all the good things in my life. One of my favorite songs played in my head, "Carry On" by Fun. It's not a religious song, and I don't know what inspired it. But to me, it is an exuberant anthem of life, a celebration of the indomitable human spirit. To me, it's about the impossible: the desire to swallow as big a lung full of life and joy as possible in each moment, as much eternity as we can get before we die. It's an impossibility that becomes real in Christ. Belonging to Jesus, I also see that as meaning that life is a chance to blaze with the hope of eternity as witnesses, "like shining stars," as brightly and for as long as we have before we start breathing Heaven air instead and the real fun starts. It makes me want to fill this life with praise for the one who gives it. "Carry On" is a song to declare independence from death. It's for the end of a chapter, of a blessing, and of a life, proclaiming that what we have is something impossibly valuable and not truly finite.
We got back to the car, which was parked pretty far away. Just when everything was right, with my family around me and my head full of fireworks, I was wishing that I could hear that song. My heart whispered that wish so quietly that I didn't realize I'd wished it until I heard it start playing. We had time for one song between our parking space and home, and I heard it from beginning to end. It must have been chosen because it mentions the fourth of July, although I'd forgotten that line. But I knew it played for me. This told me that this God, whose actions and inactions so often confuse me maddeningly, is listening carefully to the idle wishes in the bottom of my heart. It told me He does want to do things that are special just for me, and once I realized that (now that my family's asleep) the presence of God did bring me to tears like I wanted so much. And it told me that my desperation for the impossible was from God, to guide me to great things and not to torment me, because He doesn't tease the people who love Him. He gives us our dreams to propel us to our destiny.
It was so sweet and romantic, like Jesus had swept me off my feet to dance with me and squeeze me. That was what I needed, a squeeze from Him. It was a little thing, and hundreds of people probably heard the song, but it gave me so much joy to be heard by Him and answered in a moment. I believe God can do anything. That gesture encouraged me to believe He will.
"But I like to think I could cheat it all,
To make up for the times I've been cheated on.
And it's nice to know, when I was left for dead
I was found and now I don't roam these streets,
I am not the ghost you want of me!" - "Carry On" by Fun.
Friday, July 5, 2013
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
Not the Way I Planned
THIS WEEK I am starting my second year of college, getting ready to dive into the four new classes that start in a couple days. I just came home from an awesome Christian dance party with the best friends I have ever had, and my feet hurt. I feel blessed.
This past week I was at a Spirit-filled retreat with other students from all over Florida. We were there to be trained and taught about evangelism, discipleship, and just loving people. We became such close friends so fast. It's beautiful how people can be unified when we are parts of the body of Christ. And it's exactly the same with us at school. We are all celebrating the same God together.
So far this year, God has repeatedly replaced my plans and given me opportunities to grow closer to Him and to the people He has put in my life. Time after time, there was something I wanted to do with Him that He would switch out for something else I hadn't considered. The result is that I have grown and seen more this year so far than I ever have before.
It reminds me of Jeremiah 33:3, one of my life verses: "Call to Me and I will answer you, and will tell you great and hidden things that you have not known."
For example, I planned to go to the huge Campus Harvest convention in North Carolina that I went to last year. I love the passionate worship and the prayer and fellowship. Speakers come and give glorious testimonies to God's power to save, and we all leave wanting to give God our all. But it was too expensive for me this year, and it conflicted with other things. So God opened up the opportunity to go to the CRU Women's Retreat instead. He is so infinitely wise. He knew that it would be exactly what I needed to see an area where I was falling short. I didn't understand the depth of his love, and so I was feeling lonely. Now when I think about Him, I think of the ocean and how He wraps us up in more love than we know what to do with. He softened my heart in a way that made me rely on Him more completely than I think Campus Harvest could have.
Then summer came, and I didn't get to go back to Peru on a mission trip like last year, to see the people I met there and go witness to students. I was very disappointed. It just wasn't feasible for me at the same time as the school year was ending. Instead I found myself on a different team, leading a team of children in a Vacation Bible School first at my home church and then in Miami. The testimonies from Peru blew me away. A blind boy received sight, and God saved a lot of souls. But I got to meet Adam, a six year old who could understand that he and Jesus were separated, and who was so overjoyed to learn how that separation could be fixed. I got to talk to little souls and see how precious they are, and understand how God sees us, and my faith became more like a child's - persistent and dependent. He takes care of us.
Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you, declared the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope."
It kept happening. I wanted to get a job or an internship for the summer, but I couldn't get a hold of one. So I went to volunteer in my neighborhood one day and ran into one of the women in charge, who asked about my major. When I said that I study architecture, she connected me to a volunteer position with the neighborhood preservation group, which effectively became like an intership for me. I got to see old files on buildings in my own area, most close to a century old. It's something I can put on a resume, not to mention a terrific learning experience.
Now, instead of being able to make it to CRU's Leadership training days this week, which I would have loved to be a part of, I got trained in discipleship at a different retreat, got prephesied over, and by God's grace leapt over the walls that have kept me from carrying this message to people more actively. I finally see that God is not waiting for me to be "able" but "available," as one of the pastors explained. And again, instead of living where I planned with three friends from my life group, which would have been awesome if there had been room for us, I have "accidentally" ended up directly across the hall from my new friend who just became a Christian during the Spring! Time after time, my ideas are good, but God's are better. And I end up being blessed much more by things not working out my way.
Now I'm back at school with a great sense of expectation. But of what exactly, I'm not sure. You see, I know God is going to keep doing these things - setting up divine appointments, changing my plans, straining beauty out of frustrating circumstances. I know He is going to save people and keep training us in how to reach our friends with the Gospel. But I know that the way He is going to do it is much better than any picture I have in my head of what it looks like for salvation to sweep over the campus. Our job is to deepen our relationships with people to the point that we are not completely comfortable, make sure they know they are loved, tell them the story of the way the Savior saved us. He asks us to jump on board, because He is already at work on something new and surprising.
Romans 8:28 "And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to His purpose."
This past week I was at a Spirit-filled retreat with other students from all over Florida. We were there to be trained and taught about evangelism, discipleship, and just loving people. We became such close friends so fast. It's beautiful how people can be unified when we are parts of the body of Christ. And it's exactly the same with us at school. We are all celebrating the same God together.
So far this year, God has repeatedly replaced my plans and given me opportunities to grow closer to Him and to the people He has put in my life. Time after time, there was something I wanted to do with Him that He would switch out for something else I hadn't considered. The result is that I have grown and seen more this year so far than I ever have before.
It reminds me of Jeremiah 33:3, one of my life verses: "Call to Me and I will answer you, and will tell you great and hidden things that you have not known."
For example, I planned to go to the huge Campus Harvest convention in North Carolina that I went to last year. I love the passionate worship and the prayer and fellowship. Speakers come and give glorious testimonies to God's power to save, and we all leave wanting to give God our all. But it was too expensive for me this year, and it conflicted with other things. So God opened up the opportunity to go to the CRU Women's Retreat instead. He is so infinitely wise. He knew that it would be exactly what I needed to see an area where I was falling short. I didn't understand the depth of his love, and so I was feeling lonely. Now when I think about Him, I think of the ocean and how He wraps us up in more love than we know what to do with. He softened my heart in a way that made me rely on Him more completely than I think Campus Harvest could have.
Then summer came, and I didn't get to go back to Peru on a mission trip like last year, to see the people I met there and go witness to students. I was very disappointed. It just wasn't feasible for me at the same time as the school year was ending. Instead I found myself on a different team, leading a team of children in a Vacation Bible School first at my home church and then in Miami. The testimonies from Peru blew me away. A blind boy received sight, and God saved a lot of souls. But I got to meet Adam, a six year old who could understand that he and Jesus were separated, and who was so overjoyed to learn how that separation could be fixed. I got to talk to little souls and see how precious they are, and understand how God sees us, and my faith became more like a child's - persistent and dependent. He takes care of us.
Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you, declared the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope."
It kept happening. I wanted to get a job or an internship for the summer, but I couldn't get a hold of one. So I went to volunteer in my neighborhood one day and ran into one of the women in charge, who asked about my major. When I said that I study architecture, she connected me to a volunteer position with the neighborhood preservation group, which effectively became like an intership for me. I got to see old files on buildings in my own area, most close to a century old. It's something I can put on a resume, not to mention a terrific learning experience.
Now, instead of being able to make it to CRU's Leadership training days this week, which I would have loved to be a part of, I got trained in discipleship at a different retreat, got prephesied over, and by God's grace leapt over the walls that have kept me from carrying this message to people more actively. I finally see that God is not waiting for me to be "able" but "available," as one of the pastors explained. And again, instead of living where I planned with three friends from my life group, which would have been awesome if there had been room for us, I have "accidentally" ended up directly across the hall from my new friend who just became a Christian during the Spring! Time after time, my ideas are good, but God's are better. And I end up being blessed much more by things not working out my way.
Now I'm back at school with a great sense of expectation. But of what exactly, I'm not sure. You see, I know God is going to keep doing these things - setting up divine appointments, changing my plans, straining beauty out of frustrating circumstances. I know He is going to save people and keep training us in how to reach our friends with the Gospel. But I know that the way He is going to do it is much better than any picture I have in my head of what it looks like for salvation to sweep over the campus. Our job is to deepen our relationships with people to the point that we are not completely comfortable, make sure they know they are loved, tell them the story of the way the Savior saved us. He asks us to jump on board, because He is already at work on something new and surprising.
Romans 8:28 "And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to His purpose."
Sunday, August 12, 2012
The Finish
THIS WEEK was the second week of the Olympics, which I think is a great accomplishment on the part of the world. There's a lot of evil and conflict in the world, and it's beautiful to me that every few years we can put wars and racism aside and be united in healthy competition. It's something the whole earth can enjoy together. I often found myself rooting for other countries' heroes because they were doing great things and breaking records not only for their nations, but for humanity. Things no human has ever done quite so well. Things we can all celebrate.
The foot races were among my favorite events, and I learned a lot from what I saw. They represent the one of most ancient Olympic events, the ones the Greeks competed in thousands of years ago.
Paul used this kind of race as a symbol for how to live the Christian life. If we are honest with ourselves and with Jesus, it isn't an easy and worry-free thing to be a Christian. It is a constant effort whose success lies in each step we take, relying completely on our Lord. Jesus didn't come to make life easy, but so that we would have life and have it to the full. Persecution is involved. We are challenged to face the neediness that we are so deeply disinclined to accept.
One of the most amazing things I saw in this Olympics was a 4 x 400 relay in which a Manteo Mitchell actually snapped a bone at the beginning of his leg of the race, yet continued running despite the pain as if nothing were wrong. He ran and passed his baton to the next runner, and the American team finished very well. He did have to be replaced for the races afterward, but he did not let his team down. He did what he was sent to do.
2 Timothy 4:7 "I have fought the good fight. I have finished the race, I have kept the faith."
As family in Christ, we rely on each other to each do what we have been called. God's will is done whether we cooperate or not, but He has given us a job to do. It is a blessing to get to run in this race and strive to live the life He has called us to. Because absolutely anything is possible in Him, but if we aren't obedient, we will not see the great consequences of the great things that would be possible through Him.
I am very impressed with this runner for finishing, even when his whole body told him he had to stop, even when the pain was almost too much. For Christians it's like when doubt arises, or pain comes and we don't know why God didn't prevent it, or when persecution or pressure from others becomes overwhelming. Maybe we want to stop following Christ because it would be easier not to be so different. We just can't be like everybody else once his grace has redeemed us. More often, and perhaps more dangerously, we just don't want to go after him as hard, and we look away from the supreme value of the prize of knowing Him in favor of the comfort of being loved. A lot of the time I'm guilty of that.
I know some people who were trained to be Christians when we were younger, and when I hear from them now I find that they have been persuaded that Jesus really isn't that important. They say there are many ways to God, or that there really isn't a God, and I wish I could show them every wonderful thing God shows me to let me know He is who He says He is. Many of us don't finish the race, and when I see them falling around me I pray I will be as faithful as I like to think I am.
I remember Peter, who promised that he would never deny Jesus, who said he would be arrested and die with Him if he had to. But he didn't. Instead he did exactly what Jesus predicted, and he denied him three times before morning while He was being interrogated. Jesus took Him back. But I never want to be guilty of denying Him in the first place.
Hebrews 12:1 "Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us."
In another race, a racer came who had tripped and fallen in her last Olympics. This time, she did it again. She hit the ground, got on her knees, and you could practically hear her spirit break. A broken spirit is harder to run with than a broken leg. She was still in a good position to stand and catch up. Then she would have at least finished. But it was over before she was down.
I wish she would have got up and finished. And I hope a Christian who screws up and fails will accept God's mercy and grace and come back stronger. That's the way grace is designed. Our failures could break us and cast us out entirely, or they could reveal our neediness and bring us closer to our loving God.
To have a big "DNF" above your head is worse than last place. We are all going to fall at some point. Every great name in the Bible - except Jesus - comes with some great mistake. But the heroes of faith, those whose lives really show the glory of God, are the ones who run and finish.
The foot races were among my favorite events, and I learned a lot from what I saw. They represent the one of most ancient Olympic events, the ones the Greeks competed in thousands of years ago.
Paul used this kind of race as a symbol for how to live the Christian life. If we are honest with ourselves and with Jesus, it isn't an easy and worry-free thing to be a Christian. It is a constant effort whose success lies in each step we take, relying completely on our Lord. Jesus didn't come to make life easy, but so that we would have life and have it to the full. Persecution is involved. We are challenged to face the neediness that we are so deeply disinclined to accept.
One of the most amazing things I saw in this Olympics was a 4 x 400 relay in which a Manteo Mitchell actually snapped a bone at the beginning of his leg of the race, yet continued running despite the pain as if nothing were wrong. He ran and passed his baton to the next runner, and the American team finished very well. He did have to be replaced for the races afterward, but he did not let his team down. He did what he was sent to do.
2 Timothy 4:7 "I have fought the good fight. I have finished the race, I have kept the faith."
As family in Christ, we rely on each other to each do what we have been called. God's will is done whether we cooperate or not, but He has given us a job to do. It is a blessing to get to run in this race and strive to live the life He has called us to. Because absolutely anything is possible in Him, but if we aren't obedient, we will not see the great consequences of the great things that would be possible through Him.
I am very impressed with this runner for finishing, even when his whole body told him he had to stop, even when the pain was almost too much. For Christians it's like when doubt arises, or pain comes and we don't know why God didn't prevent it, or when persecution or pressure from others becomes overwhelming. Maybe we want to stop following Christ because it would be easier not to be so different. We just can't be like everybody else once his grace has redeemed us. More often, and perhaps more dangerously, we just don't want to go after him as hard, and we look away from the supreme value of the prize of knowing Him in favor of the comfort of being loved. A lot of the time I'm guilty of that.
I know some people who were trained to be Christians when we were younger, and when I hear from them now I find that they have been persuaded that Jesus really isn't that important. They say there are many ways to God, or that there really isn't a God, and I wish I could show them every wonderful thing God shows me to let me know He is who He says He is. Many of us don't finish the race, and when I see them falling around me I pray I will be as faithful as I like to think I am.
I remember Peter, who promised that he would never deny Jesus, who said he would be arrested and die with Him if he had to. But he didn't. Instead he did exactly what Jesus predicted, and he denied him three times before morning while He was being interrogated. Jesus took Him back. But I never want to be guilty of denying Him in the first place.
Hebrews 12:1 "Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us."
In another race, a racer came who had tripped and fallen in her last Olympics. This time, she did it again. She hit the ground, got on her knees, and you could practically hear her spirit break. A broken spirit is harder to run with than a broken leg. She was still in a good position to stand and catch up. Then she would have at least finished. But it was over before she was down.
I wish she would have got up and finished. And I hope a Christian who screws up and fails will accept God's mercy and grace and come back stronger. That's the way grace is designed. Our failures could break us and cast us out entirely, or they could reveal our neediness and bring us closer to our loving God.
To have a big "DNF" above your head is worse than last place. We are all going to fall at some point. Every great name in the Bible - except Jesus - comes with some great mistake. But the heroes of faith, those whose lives really show the glory of God, are the ones who run and finish.
Sunday, August 5, 2012
Known by Name
THIS WEEK my family went on a short vacation to the beautiful city of Charleston, SC. I love it because it's very old and historic, like walking through the past and the present at once. They're still giving horse and buggy rides, and on every street there are plaques describing the important histories of repurposed building that used to be homes or banks. So much of it is very well preserved and still used, and it's such a safe and peaceful place to walk through.
I got to visit the glorious old churches where the colored light casts itself down from the stained glass windows, and rows of pews wait to greet worshipers. I got to wander around old churchyards where the famous and the common were within feet of each other, and those resting since the 1700s lie close to a few who have been there for only ten years.
One of my favorite things we did, besides eating the South Carolinian food, was taking a Ghost Tour with my family. It was actually after dark, in the rain, so the atmosphere was perfect. Our tour was less theatrical and more historical than the other Ghost Tours available. We walked around old Charleston to several old buildings, many of them churches, and heard legends about ghosts wandering in churchyards or appearing in homes, a couple of them having appeared as oddly human phenomena in rare photographs, or completely unexpected to people who don't believe in ghosts. Most of them seemed to have unfinished business and unanswered questions, and they hung around the places they died or were buried. I know none of it holds much water, but I had a lot of fun and it was a really interesting tour.
Well I still don't believe in ghosts, although I don't know how to explain some of the stories and pictures from the tour. I do believe in angels, and that God sends them to earth sometimes for good reasons. But more than anything, this tour reminded me that God is sovereign. Just like He doesn't let souls wander around the earth aimlessly, He doesn't let one person or one member of His Creation out of His sight. It's good to know that we are important to Him, and that He is the pursuer of our souls.
Luke 15:4-5 "What man of you, having a hundred sheep, if he loses one of them, does not leave the ninetey-nine in the winderness, and go after the one which is lost until he finds it? And when he has found it, he lays it on his shoulders, rejoicing."
I read A Wind in the Door, a novel by Madeleine L'Engle, my favorite author, in two days this week. I really swallowed it up. It wasn't a religious book, I mean, it's not exactly about God. It's actually a young adults' fiction novel. But you can see the Holy Spirit all over it. You can read it for yourself, but it's all about the importance of each Created thing, from the super microscopic to stars and galaxies, being known by name and having its integrity as part of a glorious Creation, and the danger that hate and rebellion bring to that integrity.
Psalm 147:3-5 "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. He counts the number of the stars; He calls them all by name. Great is our Lord, and mighty in power; His understanding is infinite."
Whether we live or die, or whatever we do, we live forever to the living God of the living. Every time I look at a bird flying in the sky, I remember that I am precious to God, and that we each are precious to Him. God, who knows the nature of every soul, the makeup of each atom, the frame of the universe, the pace of time, and is above all He has made, sees us and knows us.
Matthew 6:26 "Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they?"
It's really beautiful that our Shepherd doesn't forget about His sheep and let us roam through eternity's wilderness like nobody owns us. I had a great time in Charleston and I loved the tour, but don't think too hard about the ghost stories. When my days run out, I know I won't be wandering the streets of Jacksonville trying to find someone, or roaming my house like I think nothing has changed. And I definitely won't be creeping people out in cemetery photographs. I'll be busy gazing at Jesus forever. How do you go anywhere when you're looking at that smile?
I got to visit the glorious old churches where the colored light casts itself down from the stained glass windows, and rows of pews wait to greet worshipers. I got to wander around old churchyards where the famous and the common were within feet of each other, and those resting since the 1700s lie close to a few who have been there for only ten years.
One of my favorite things we did, besides eating the South Carolinian food, was taking a Ghost Tour with my family. It was actually after dark, in the rain, so the atmosphere was perfect. Our tour was less theatrical and more historical than the other Ghost Tours available. We walked around old Charleston to several old buildings, many of them churches, and heard legends about ghosts wandering in churchyards or appearing in homes, a couple of them having appeared as oddly human phenomena in rare photographs, or completely unexpected to people who don't believe in ghosts. Most of them seemed to have unfinished business and unanswered questions, and they hung around the places they died or were buried. I know none of it holds much water, but I had a lot of fun and it was a really interesting tour.
Well I still don't believe in ghosts, although I don't know how to explain some of the stories and pictures from the tour. I do believe in angels, and that God sends them to earth sometimes for good reasons. But more than anything, this tour reminded me that God is sovereign. Just like He doesn't let souls wander around the earth aimlessly, He doesn't let one person or one member of His Creation out of His sight. It's good to know that we are important to Him, and that He is the pursuer of our souls.
Luke 15:4-5 "What man of you, having a hundred sheep, if he loses one of them, does not leave the ninetey-nine in the winderness, and go after the one which is lost until he finds it? And when he has found it, he lays it on his shoulders, rejoicing."
I read A Wind in the Door, a novel by Madeleine L'Engle, my favorite author, in two days this week. I really swallowed it up. It wasn't a religious book, I mean, it's not exactly about God. It's actually a young adults' fiction novel. But you can see the Holy Spirit all over it. You can read it for yourself, but it's all about the importance of each Created thing, from the super microscopic to stars and galaxies, being known by name and having its integrity as part of a glorious Creation, and the danger that hate and rebellion bring to that integrity.
Psalm 147:3-5 "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. He counts the number of the stars; He calls them all by name. Great is our Lord, and mighty in power; His understanding is infinite."
Whether we live or die, or whatever we do, we live forever to the living God of the living. Every time I look at a bird flying in the sky, I remember that I am precious to God, and that we each are precious to Him. God, who knows the nature of every soul, the makeup of each atom, the frame of the universe, the pace of time, and is above all He has made, sees us and knows us.
Matthew 6:26 "Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they?"
It's really beautiful that our Shepherd doesn't forget about His sheep and let us roam through eternity's wilderness like nobody owns us. I had a great time in Charleston and I loved the tour, but don't think too hard about the ghost stories. When my days run out, I know I won't be wandering the streets of Jacksonville trying to find someone, or roaming my house like I think nothing has changed. And I definitely won't be creeping people out in cemetery photographs. I'll be busy gazing at Jesus forever. How do you go anywhere when you're looking at that smile?
Sunday, July 29, 2012
Sleep Cycles
THIS WEEK, I realized I had a bad habit that I had to change. I had fallen into a cycle that was depriving me of sleep. Every day I read a Bible passage and journal about it, and during the school year I got pretty good about doing it early in the day. When I do that, my whole day goes better. I have the word in my heart all day long, and I get to put God first and spend some time just enjoying Him before I go to classes and do schoolwork.
But this summer I've been doing it before I go to bed. Not bad. But when it's late, I'm sleepy. It takes me longer to focus on the word, and from time to time I even fall asleep face down next to my open Bible. When I do it this way, I still get to draw near to God, but it's not as full. It becomes something I kind of have to do before I get to go to sleep. And then to make up for staying up later, I get up later too, and then it's too late to do it earlier the next day. It's a frustrating, sleepless cycle.
A couple days ago I did that, and I was exhausted all day long the next day. I didn't feel like doing anything really useful. That night, I told my mom about it, and she challenged me to get up just a little earlier and do it the next morning. So that's what I decided I would do. But first I had to do my reading for tonight.
I'm in the middle of a Bible in a Year program that tells me what to read every day, so I can read the whole thing. Following this program, this is the first thing I read.
Psalm 127: 1-2 "Unless the Lord builds the house, they labor in vain who build it; unless the Lord guards the city, the watchman stays awake in vain. It is vain for you to rise up early, to sit up late, to eat the bread of sorrows; for so He gives His beloved sleep."
Now I know this isn't literally written as advice for how to get good sleep, but I thought it was really beautiful that God put this in my way right when I'd just gotten done telling Him how weary I was making myself. I understood that our physical and spiritual rest are important to God. He wants us to seek Him in His word, and sometimes we do need to do uncomfortable things, like fasting, to draw near to Him. But He doesn't want us to hurt ourselves.
1 Corinthians 6:19-20 "Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body."
Whatever we do or don't do, we belong to God and we have to take care of our bodies. I needed to make a change. The whole point of those verses from Psalm 127 is that God doesn't want us to become weary relying on ourselves, because following Him means learning to lean on Him completely. When I save seeking Him in His word for last, it hinders me both physically and spiritually because I lose sleep and I haven't had the word as much on my mind through everything that happens in the day.
Now I'm doing my best to seek Him as early as I can, and this helps me to make sure I keep my heart and mind chasing after Him all day long. I've been taking time to sit and pray every day that my family and I will get our "daily bread," that God will provide for what we need physically and make us grateful, but even more that we will be hungry for His word.
Matthew 4:3-4 "And the tempter came and said to Him, 'If You are the Son of God, command these stones to become loaves of bread.' But He answered, 'It is written, 'Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that comes from the mouth of God.' ' "
I'm really glad God talked to me about this, because it's so much easier to enjoy His presence when I'm not struggling to keep my eyes open.
I want my time in the word to be like I want my life to be, which is less like a late night study session and more like this: Psalm 63:1 "O God, You are my God; earnestly I seek You; my soul thirsts for You; my flesh faints for You, as in a dry and weary land where there is no water." A little weariness is good in longing for God, to bring us closer to Him. But He doesn't want us to wear ourselves down. Our health and our joy is important to Him. It's why He instituted the Sabbath for the Jews - if God saw a need to take a rest after creating everything, they could take a day off to just dwell on Him and enjoy His holiness. God doesn't see rest as an optional thing, either for our bodies or for our souls.
God is sovereign, and there is no end to the wonderful depth of His glory. He wants us to want to get to know Him. He asks us to take some time to be still and just see who He is. Now that this isn't going to be so much of a chore for me, I can enjoy getting to know God and what His dreams are, and all day long I can be working with Him in what He is doing to make those big dreams come true.
Psalm 46:10 "Be still, and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!"
But this summer I've been doing it before I go to bed. Not bad. But when it's late, I'm sleepy. It takes me longer to focus on the word, and from time to time I even fall asleep face down next to my open Bible. When I do it this way, I still get to draw near to God, but it's not as full. It becomes something I kind of have to do before I get to go to sleep. And then to make up for staying up later, I get up later too, and then it's too late to do it earlier the next day. It's a frustrating, sleepless cycle.
A couple days ago I did that, and I was exhausted all day long the next day. I didn't feel like doing anything really useful. That night, I told my mom about it, and she challenged me to get up just a little earlier and do it the next morning. So that's what I decided I would do. But first I had to do my reading for tonight.
I'm in the middle of a Bible in a Year program that tells me what to read every day, so I can read the whole thing. Following this program, this is the first thing I read.
Psalm 127: 1-2 "Unless the Lord builds the house, they labor in vain who build it; unless the Lord guards the city, the watchman stays awake in vain. It is vain for you to rise up early, to sit up late, to eat the bread of sorrows; for so He gives His beloved sleep."
Now I know this isn't literally written as advice for how to get good sleep, but I thought it was really beautiful that God put this in my way right when I'd just gotten done telling Him how weary I was making myself. I understood that our physical and spiritual rest are important to God. He wants us to seek Him in His word, and sometimes we do need to do uncomfortable things, like fasting, to draw near to Him. But He doesn't want us to hurt ourselves.
1 Corinthians 6:19-20 "Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body."
Whatever we do or don't do, we belong to God and we have to take care of our bodies. I needed to make a change. The whole point of those verses from Psalm 127 is that God doesn't want us to become weary relying on ourselves, because following Him means learning to lean on Him completely. When I save seeking Him in His word for last, it hinders me both physically and spiritually because I lose sleep and I haven't had the word as much on my mind through everything that happens in the day.
Now I'm doing my best to seek Him as early as I can, and this helps me to make sure I keep my heart and mind chasing after Him all day long. I've been taking time to sit and pray every day that my family and I will get our "daily bread," that God will provide for what we need physically and make us grateful, but even more that we will be hungry for His word.
Matthew 4:3-4 "And the tempter came and said to Him, 'If You are the Son of God, command these stones to become loaves of bread.' But He answered, 'It is written, 'Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that comes from the mouth of God.' ' "
I'm really glad God talked to me about this, because it's so much easier to enjoy His presence when I'm not struggling to keep my eyes open.
I want my time in the word to be like I want my life to be, which is less like a late night study session and more like this: Psalm 63:1 "O God, You are my God; earnestly I seek You; my soul thirsts for You; my flesh faints for You, as in a dry and weary land where there is no water." A little weariness is good in longing for God, to bring us closer to Him. But He doesn't want us to wear ourselves down. Our health and our joy is important to Him. It's why He instituted the Sabbath for the Jews - if God saw a need to take a rest after creating everything, they could take a day off to just dwell on Him and enjoy His holiness. God doesn't see rest as an optional thing, either for our bodies or for our souls.
God is sovereign, and there is no end to the wonderful depth of His glory. He wants us to want to get to know Him. He asks us to take some time to be still and just see who He is. Now that this isn't going to be so much of a chore for me, I can enjoy getting to know God and what His dreams are, and all day long I can be working with Him in what He is doing to make those big dreams come true.
Psalm 46:10 "Be still, and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!"
Sunday, July 22, 2012
Killer
THIS WEEK we were reminded how evil people can be. You probably heard about the shooting at the Batman movie premier three days ago. 71 people shot, 12 people killed. Those killed were between 6 years old and 60. I don't get it. Totally random but strategically planned. And the shooter didn't even run. He just went out to his car and got arrested. He's obviously insane but very brilliant. It seems like he just killed people to kill people.
It really makes me worried about the world, and it reminds me just how much we need grace. We can't go living in fear that we'll be shot in movie theaters. Jesus is the antidote to all evil, and God is love. Our world is dying to have Him, and He is not far away.
1 Timothy 1:7 "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind."
Watching the news last night, I heard about the people who had died and everything they left behind. The young and the old, and the three young men who all died protecting their girlfriends. Then I saw the face of the man who killed them, and the smug grin in his mugshot, and I realized that I hated him. It's weird, I don't think I remember the last time I hated somebody. But I looked at him and thought that that's a man who really doesn't deserve to keep sucking air. He shouldn't keep living. There's no excuse. Nothing that could make what he did okay.
There's no doubt the shooter is guilty and deserves to die. God is definitely furious about it, because He hates murder. It's a personal insult to His workmanship, to the humanity that bears His image, and to the breath of life He puts into every person.
I read this verse last night. Psalm 97:10 "You who love the Lord, hate evil! He preserves the souls of His saints; He delivers them out of the hand of the wicked." Everything in God is opposed to what this man has done. But His grace means that our guilt doesn't have to rest on us if we'll let Him take it on Himself.
This has taught me something about God's grace. Lately I'm really learning how deeply dependent we are on Christ, and how limitless the possibilities are for change through Him. I remembered Barabbas, who was everything Jesus was not.
Mark 15:7 "And there was one named Barabbas, who was chained with his fellow rebels; they had committed murder in the rebellion."
The crowd had him released instead of Jesus. They decided the sinless Son of God was more deserving to die than a murderer and a robber. The fact that he went free while Jesus dies is a picture of what grace is to us. He dies for those who deserve to die, and He rises to give us new life. If God is completely holy, then sin is sin, whether it's a lie or a murder, we don't deserve Him. He's life - it's just who He is. And we don't deserve to live, to be with Him - it's who we are.
I remembered Paul, who thought he was righteous because he devoted his life to killing Christians, until Jesus convicted him and changed his heart. Grace was able to reach him so completely that he became the greatest missionary in history, wrote half the New Testament, and died for Christ like a hero.
I think about the Bible, which is full of rejects whom God chose and redeemed with His undeserved grace, and I realize that all humanity belongs on our knees. We're the killers, but He's the One who died like one.
God can save evil people who deserve to die. It's just that our definition of that isn't quite the same as His. I hope that killer gets the death penalty, but I hope we don't all get it. How glorious is God, that His grace can completely redeem people who are as vicious and guilty as that killer? And how desperately do we need His grace, if our souls are found in the same position as his? Nothing can overrule what He's done.
Psalm 40:17 "But I am poor and needy; yet the Lord thinks upon me. You are my help and my deliverer; do not delay, O my God."
God is very good. Knowing that His grace covers me is the greatest blessing in my life. And walking with Him constantly reveals to me the depth of my need and the height of His love.
It really makes me worried about the world, and it reminds me just how much we need grace. We can't go living in fear that we'll be shot in movie theaters. Jesus is the antidote to all evil, and God is love. Our world is dying to have Him, and He is not far away.
1 Timothy 1:7 "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind."
Watching the news last night, I heard about the people who had died and everything they left behind. The young and the old, and the three young men who all died protecting their girlfriends. Then I saw the face of the man who killed them, and the smug grin in his mugshot, and I realized that I hated him. It's weird, I don't think I remember the last time I hated somebody. But I looked at him and thought that that's a man who really doesn't deserve to keep sucking air. He shouldn't keep living. There's no excuse. Nothing that could make what he did okay.
There's no doubt the shooter is guilty and deserves to die. God is definitely furious about it, because He hates murder. It's a personal insult to His workmanship, to the humanity that bears His image, and to the breath of life He puts into every person.
I read this verse last night. Psalm 97:10 "You who love the Lord, hate evil! He preserves the souls of His saints; He delivers them out of the hand of the wicked." Everything in God is opposed to what this man has done. But His grace means that our guilt doesn't have to rest on us if we'll let Him take it on Himself.
This has taught me something about God's grace. Lately I'm really learning how deeply dependent we are on Christ, and how limitless the possibilities are for change through Him. I remembered Barabbas, who was everything Jesus was not.
Mark 15:7 "And there was one named Barabbas, who was chained with his fellow rebels; they had committed murder in the rebellion."
The crowd had him released instead of Jesus. They decided the sinless Son of God was more deserving to die than a murderer and a robber. The fact that he went free while Jesus dies is a picture of what grace is to us. He dies for those who deserve to die, and He rises to give us new life. If God is completely holy, then sin is sin, whether it's a lie or a murder, we don't deserve Him. He's life - it's just who He is. And we don't deserve to live, to be with Him - it's who we are.
I remembered Paul, who thought he was righteous because he devoted his life to killing Christians, until Jesus convicted him and changed his heart. Grace was able to reach him so completely that he became the greatest missionary in history, wrote half the New Testament, and died for Christ like a hero.
I think about the Bible, which is full of rejects whom God chose and redeemed with His undeserved grace, and I realize that all humanity belongs on our knees. We're the killers, but He's the One who died like one.
God can save evil people who deserve to die. It's just that our definition of that isn't quite the same as His. I hope that killer gets the death penalty, but I hope we don't all get it. How glorious is God, that His grace can completely redeem people who are as vicious and guilty as that killer? And how desperately do we need His grace, if our souls are found in the same position as his? Nothing can overrule what He's done.
Psalm 40:17 "But I am poor and needy; yet the Lord thinks upon me. You are my help and my deliverer; do not delay, O my God."
God is very good. Knowing that His grace covers me is the greatest blessing in my life. And walking with Him constantly reveals to me the depth of my need and the height of His love.
Monday, July 16, 2012
Weeding
THIS WEEK I worked in the garden with my mom, pulling weeds. Weeds are awful because they are not only bad for the plants that you want, but they're also very hard to get rid of completely. They're tricky, because once you get rid of the big ones you see there are all these smaller ones that popped up while you were blinking, and when they are gone there are all these little seedlings, and you just know there is no earthly way you will keep these weeds from growing back.
Once you've taken care of them, your garden looks beautiful and healthy. It looks like the person it belongs to has really spent time caring for it. But if we take its beauty for granted, the weeds whose roots are inevitably just below the surface will just spring up again.
I realized that sin is the same way. Just when we think we've taken care of our bad habits and nagging guilts, something pops up that shows us that we just aren't as righteous as we'd love to think we are. We find out we are proud, or that we are weak to some temptation, or that there's something we do that isn't done for the glory of God. This reminds us of our need for God to continually clean us up.
I think the most assuring think there is to know is that God does not change. His love does not change. If He was here yesterday, and He was trying to grow us up into everything He envisions for us in Christ, that guess what He is doing today? He's still here, still working on us, still loving us. I don't understand how He does that, how He just keeps loving. This week I'm starting to better understand that nothing we can do can make God love us any less or any more.
In Luke 17:3-4 Jesus gives us a challenge and a promise. "Pay attention to yourselves! If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him, and if he sins against you seven times in the day, and turns to you seven times, saying, 'I repent,' you must forgive him."
He says that if we forgive, He will forgive us. So in challenging us to forgive the sins of others no matter how many times they say sorry, He is telling us that this is how He acts toward us. How does a person get her mind around that, that the same God who made us loves us enough to forgive us every time we come and repent? That's such an encouraging challenge to grow, and to strive to be more like Him.
This week I read about David's big mistake with Bathsheba. He was a shining example in practically every area of his life. God called him a man after His own heart. But he slept with his friend's wife, got her pregnant, got his friend killed in battle and tried to cover it all up. Needless to say, God was angry with him, and through the prophet Nathan He told him the punishment that was coming.
2 Samuel 12:13 "David said to Nathan, 'I have sinned against the Lord.' And Nathan said to David, 'The Lord also has put away your sin; you shall not die.'"
David really messed up. What he did was really evil, and God wasn't about to overlook it. But because God is love, and because He doesn't change, David's stupid mistake couldn't change His love. He repented, and before the verse was over, he was forgiven. God took away his son, but He soon provided another whom He nicknamed Jedidiah, which means "beloved of the Lord." I'm amazed at how completely God forgives.
But even when we are doing fine, in an easy season of life, when we aren't struggling too badly, what can we say God thinks of us? I'd say it's in those parts of life that it's easy to start thinking we are good, and demoting other people. There's a weed. But the only sense in which we are good is that when God made us He called us "good," exactly how He planned, made for His glory. It doesn't mean we're perfect.
Luke 12:9-10 "Does he thank the servant because he did what was commanded? So you also, when you have done all that you were commanded, say, 'We are unworthy servants; we have done only what was our duty.'"
God's love is better than a love that remains when we do wrong and increases when we do well. God's love is one that sees us for what we are and covers us with His own righteousness. He's a gardener who will help us weed our gardens when we acknowledge the weeds are there and we need His help. But He's also one who remembers that the roots of the weeds are still in there, and He will keep tending it. The way for us to be beautiful is to always remember how much we need Him.
Once you've taken care of them, your garden looks beautiful and healthy. It looks like the person it belongs to has really spent time caring for it. But if we take its beauty for granted, the weeds whose roots are inevitably just below the surface will just spring up again.
I realized that sin is the same way. Just when we think we've taken care of our bad habits and nagging guilts, something pops up that shows us that we just aren't as righteous as we'd love to think we are. We find out we are proud, or that we are weak to some temptation, or that there's something we do that isn't done for the glory of God. This reminds us of our need for God to continually clean us up.
I think the most assuring think there is to know is that God does not change. His love does not change. If He was here yesterday, and He was trying to grow us up into everything He envisions for us in Christ, that guess what He is doing today? He's still here, still working on us, still loving us. I don't understand how He does that, how He just keeps loving. This week I'm starting to better understand that nothing we can do can make God love us any less or any more.
In Luke 17:3-4 Jesus gives us a challenge and a promise. "Pay attention to yourselves! If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him, and if he sins against you seven times in the day, and turns to you seven times, saying, 'I repent,' you must forgive him."
He says that if we forgive, He will forgive us. So in challenging us to forgive the sins of others no matter how many times they say sorry, He is telling us that this is how He acts toward us. How does a person get her mind around that, that the same God who made us loves us enough to forgive us every time we come and repent? That's such an encouraging challenge to grow, and to strive to be more like Him.
This week I read about David's big mistake with Bathsheba. He was a shining example in practically every area of his life. God called him a man after His own heart. But he slept with his friend's wife, got her pregnant, got his friend killed in battle and tried to cover it all up. Needless to say, God was angry with him, and through the prophet Nathan He told him the punishment that was coming.
2 Samuel 12:13 "David said to Nathan, 'I have sinned against the Lord.' And Nathan said to David, 'The Lord also has put away your sin; you shall not die.'"
David really messed up. What he did was really evil, and God wasn't about to overlook it. But because God is love, and because He doesn't change, David's stupid mistake couldn't change His love. He repented, and before the verse was over, he was forgiven. God took away his son, but He soon provided another whom He nicknamed Jedidiah, which means "beloved of the Lord." I'm amazed at how completely God forgives.
But even when we are doing fine, in an easy season of life, when we aren't struggling too badly, what can we say God thinks of us? I'd say it's in those parts of life that it's easy to start thinking we are good, and demoting other people. There's a weed. But the only sense in which we are good is that when God made us He called us "good," exactly how He planned, made for His glory. It doesn't mean we're perfect.
Luke 12:9-10 "Does he thank the servant because he did what was commanded? So you also, when you have done all that you were commanded, say, 'We are unworthy servants; we have done only what was our duty.'"
God's love is better than a love that remains when we do wrong and increases when we do well. God's love is one that sees us for what we are and covers us with His own righteousness. He's a gardener who will help us weed our gardens when we acknowledge the weeds are there and we need His help. But He's also one who remembers that the roots of the weeds are still in there, and He will keep tending it. The way for us to be beautiful is to always remember how much we need Him.
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